I Love You Not

 "Word Processor of the Gods" (Tales from the Darkside, 

originally broadcast November 25, 1984)

In this most memorable, morally ambiguous episode of the syndicated 80’s horror anthology show, Tales from the Darkside, it takes all of 20 minutes for a man, the protagonist (if you will…), to erase his wife and son from existence and replace them with the family he’d always wanted.  And you’ll more likely than not find yourself hoping he succeeds, troubling implications notwithstanding.  They didn’t call it Tales from the Darkside for nothing, people.

More or less faithfully adapted from the short story by Stephen King, the episode begins soon after a funeral (in which a family of 3 has been buried).  We’re introduced to one Richard Hagstrom (Bruce Davidson, the star of WILLARD), the long-suffering husband of Lina Hagstrom (Karen Shallo) and less-than-proud father to stout teenaged lout, Seth Hagstrom (Patrick Piccininni).. 

Richard and a man named Tom Nordhoff (William Cain) are carrying boxes into the embarrassingly untidy Hagstrom residence.  Nordhoff had been the neighbor of Richard’s brother and his family, all of whom have just perished in a car accident.  Apparently, Richard’s brother was a lousy drunk, and being so, drove his wife and teenage son off a cliff.  From their conversation, one gathers that the family that has been buried will be greatly missed--all, that is, except Richard's wretched brother. Much like Richard himself, his brother's wife and son had long suffered the tyranny of the ill-tempered drunk.

Nordhoff's discomfort in the presence of Richard's wife, Lina, is abundantly clear, as her coarse appraisal of the awful accident quickly drives Tom to disgust.  "No other relatives except us and we're not getting a single penny...you know how much a triple burial costs these days?"

"It was a terrible tragedy."
"Richard's brother was a drunk...good thing he didn't have any more relatives."
"Jonathan was a good boy...one of the best boys I ever met."
"Lot of good it did him, seeing as how his old man drove his van right off that cliff."

As Lina Hagstrom, actress Karen Shallo has one job, to make us hate her.  To that end, she performs exceedingly well.  Ignoring her husband's request to get Nordhoff a glass of water, she's also quick to admonish Richard when he asks his son Seth for help carrying in the boxes from outside.  "Leave him alone, he's practicing!"

"Seth, can you give us a hand?"     "Later!"

The boxes they're bringing in contain a birthday present for Richard.  His nephew Jonathan (Jon Shear) was quite a smart kid and "fine boy", we're told, and had been diligently putting together a word processor from scrap parts just before his death. Through flashback, Richard recalls a conversation he'd had with the teen in which Jonathan had toyed with the idea of building the machine for his beloved uncle, who also happens to be a struggling writer.  It's a bond and love he quite evidently doesn't share with his own son.

We also learn that Richard had once been in love with his brother's lovely wife, Belinda, but his brother the bully had stolen her away and he'd eventually settled for Lina instead.

After examining the clunky, make-shift word processor Jonathan has pieced together for his uncle, Nordhoff has some cryptic advice for Richard.  "Mr. Hagstrom, a boy is just a boy, bright or otherwise, and sometimes love can be misdirected.  Do you take my meaning?"  I'll just assume this is Nordhoff's way of letting us know he's read the script all the way through to the end.

Once he is left alone in his basement study, Richard fires the machine up and is startled to find it actually seems to work.  

To test it out, he types in a rather innocuous sentence.  "My wife's picture is on the book shelf in my study."  Staring at the words a few seconds too long, Richard hits delete, then casually glances back over at the book shelf where his wife's picture no longer sits.

This, of course, sets Richard's mind racing with possibility.  He then types: "The floor of my study is bare except for 12 Spanish doubloons in a small sack."  And sure enough...

"Mr. Nordhoff, can you come over tonight, right now?"  "No, I don't think I want to do that, Mr. Hagstrom.  This ought to stay between you and Jonathan.  And whatever you do...be careful."  Well, okay then.  Defying explanation (beyond, perhaps, he's old and wise), Nordhoff knows something is amiss, somehow.

Richard's next sentence takes his greed one logical step further, doubling down on the gold he's already wished for.

But before he's able to hit the "execute" button, his oafish son's blaring, insufferable electric guitar tinkering blows a fuse. Once Richard's got things back up and running, a new idea altogether has taken hold.

And whether or not intended so, we're somehow complicit in this act.  While typing out his unspeakable desire, the strange word processor begins to get louder and emit smoke.

And just like that, Seth Hagstrom is no more.  Rushing to his son's bedroom, he finds an empty guest room.  "He's gone...and he's taken all his junk with him."  

And when his wife gets home...
"Lina, are you sorry we never had any children?"
"What in God's name would I do with a rugrat?  Any peanut butter cups left?"  
And then...
"You going back downstairs to moon over your new toy?"
"For awhile...funny it came today.  It's my birthday today."
"Well, if you make a wish, wish for some damn money, will ya?"